Best of David Letterman's Top Tens

Signs You're Too Old to Be Trick-or-Treating

  1. You get winded from knocking on the door.
  2. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
  3. You ask for high fiber candy only.
  4. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
  5. People say, "Great Keith Richards Mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
  6. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
  7. By end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
  8. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge you hairpiece.
  9. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
  10. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Signs You've Been Kidnapped By A Dumb Guy

  1. He puts his return address on the ransom note.
  2. Instead of tying you up with rope, he decides to go with velcro.
  3. He's demanding $2,000,000 in unmarked million dollar bills.
  4. Did extremely poorly on Jeopardy's "Kidnapper Week."
  5. He keeps calling you "Evander" and asking for a rematch.
  6. He's your grandpa Kenny, and he hid you behind a sofa in the family room.
  7. He lets you borrow his phone, as long as it's a local call.
  8. He keeps referring to a dog-eared copy of "Kidnapping for Dummies."
  9. When your parents ask for proof you're alive, he sends you home to tell them.
  10. Plans to bet ransom money on the New York Jets.

Signs You've Hired the Wrong Kid to Rake Your Lawn

  1. He charges you by the leaf.
  2. Keeps asking where he should plug in his rake.
  3. Picks up leaves one at a time, dips them in nacho cheese, and eats them.
  4. Says, "This'll just take a minute," and starts soaking your lawn with gasoline. [Editor's note: I *love* this one!!]
  5. Your neighbor calls and asks, "Who's that naked guy chasing my dog with a rake?"
  6. Half an hour after he starts, you notice he's sitting on your back porch, gnawing on your lawn furniture.
  7. You recognize his work gloves from the O.J. Simpson trial.
  8. Comes to your door and says, "I've had a long talk with the leaves, and they've decided to stay."
  9. Constantly reminding you that he used to be famous from those "Home Alone" movies.
  10. His motto: Rake a leaf, do a shot.

Signs Your Car Won't Be Breaking the Land Speed Record

  1. You're often passed by guys on riding mowers.
  2. You can't fully depress gas pedal because of all the Big Mac wrappers and soda cans.
  3. Every time you get up around 120, a Connecticut State Trooper pulls you over.
  4. Mechanic tells you it won't survive another car wash.
  5. Getting your car to start involves the Fire Department and a catapult.
  6. How fast can a car go when it's got 23 clowns in it?
  7. Every time you fill gas tank, car doubles in value.
  8. It's hard to gain speed with all those kids waving you down to buy ice cream.
  9. Your car can go 800 mph, but those bastards from the Guiness book won't talk to you because you're Jewish.
  10. It goes 0 to 60 in 9 days.

Signs You're Watching a Really Bad Horror Movie

  1. Terrifying zombie looks suspiciously like Keith Richards.
  2. Killer keeps saying, "I know what you had for lunch."
  3. When the dead guy's hand reaches up from the grave, all it wants is a "high-five".
  4. Instead of hockey mask, killer wears really frightening sombrero.
  5. Joe Pesci plays an undead mob boss "Whack-ula".
  6. Plot involves guy with allergies stuck on island inhabited by fluffy kitties.
  7. Victims keep screaming, "Please kill me -- this movie sucks."
  8. Biggest scream comes when movie-goers hear price of a large popcorn.
  9. You've seen more blood during a haircut at Supercuts.
  10. It's just like "Scream", without all the really scary stuff.

Signs You're a Bad Spy

  1. You often ask people, "Mind if I spy on you for a sec?"
  2. Your photos of secret documents are all just close-ups of your thumb.
  3. Your name: "Billy". Your secret code name: "Double-O-Billy".
  4. Concealed within your umbrella is a slightly smaller umbrella.
  5. Always order your malt liquor shaken, not stirred.
  6. You keep accidentally chewing your plastic explosives.
  7. Instead of trench coat, you wear a lovely pink bathrobe.
  8. On your passport, occupation listed as, "Not a spy, that's for sure!"
  9. You look through wrong end of your telescope and report that "Them Russians is tiny".
  10. You recently defected to K-mart.