Best of David Letterman's Top Tens
Signs You're Too Old to Be Trick-or-Treating
- You get winded from knocking on the door.
- You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
- You ask for high fiber candy only.
- When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
- People say, "Great Keith Richards Mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
- When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
- By end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
- You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge you hairpiece.
- You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
- You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Signs You've Been Kidnapped By A Dumb Guy
- He puts his return address on the ransom note.
- Instead of tying you up with rope, he decides to go with velcro.
- He's demanding $2,000,000 in unmarked million dollar bills.
- Did extremely poorly on Jeopardy's "Kidnapper Week."
- He keeps calling you "Evander" and asking for a rematch.
- He's your grandpa Kenny, and he hid you behind a sofa in the family room.
- He lets you borrow his phone, as long as it's a local call.
- He keeps referring to a dog-eared copy of "Kidnapping for Dummies."
- When your parents ask for proof you're alive, he sends you home to tell them.
- Plans to bet ransom money on the New York Jets.
Signs You've Hired the Wrong Kid to Rake Your Lawn
- He charges you by the leaf.
- Keeps asking where he should plug in his rake.
- Picks up leaves one at a time, dips them in nacho cheese, and eats them.
- Says, "This'll just take a minute," and starts soaking your lawn with gasoline. [Editor's note: I *love* this one!!]
- Your neighbor calls and asks, "Who's that naked guy chasing my dog with a rake?"
- Half an hour after he starts, you notice he's sitting on your back porch, gnawing on your lawn furniture.
- You recognize his work gloves from the O.J. Simpson trial.
- Comes to your door and says, "I've had a long talk with the leaves, and they've decided to stay."
- Constantly reminding you that he used to be famous from those "Home Alone" movies.
- His motto: Rake a leaf, do a shot.
Signs Your Car Won't Be Breaking the Land Speed Record
- You're often passed by guys on riding mowers.
- You can't fully depress gas pedal because of all the Big Mac wrappers and soda cans.
- Every time you get up around 120, a Connecticut State Trooper pulls you over.
- Mechanic tells you it won't survive another car wash.
- Getting your car to start involves the Fire Department and a catapult.
- How fast can a car go when it's got 23 clowns in it?
- Every time you fill gas tank, car doubles in value.
- It's hard to gain speed with all those kids waving you down to buy ice cream.
- Your car can go 800 mph, but those bastards from the Guiness book won't talk to you because you're Jewish.
- It goes 0 to 60 in 9 days.
Signs You're Watching a Really Bad Horror Movie
- Terrifying zombie looks suspiciously like Keith Richards.
- Killer keeps saying, "I know what you had for lunch."
- When the dead guy's hand reaches up from the grave, all it wants is a "high-five".
- Instead of hockey mask, killer wears really frightening sombrero.
- Joe Pesci plays an undead mob boss "Whack-ula".
- Plot involves guy with allergies stuck on island inhabited by fluffy kitties.
- Victims keep screaming, "Please kill me -- this movie sucks."
- Biggest scream comes when movie-goers hear price of a large popcorn.
- You've seen more blood during a haircut at Supercuts.
- It's just like "Scream", without all the really scary stuff.
Signs You're a Bad Spy
- You often ask people, "Mind if I spy on you for a sec?"
- Your photos of secret documents are all just close-ups of your thumb.
- Your name: "Billy". Your secret code name: "Double-O-Billy".
- Concealed within your umbrella is a slightly smaller umbrella.
- Always order your malt liquor shaken, not stirred.
- You keep accidentally chewing your plastic explosives.
- Instead of trench coat, you wear a lovely pink bathrobe.
- On your passport, occupation listed as, "Not a spy, that's for sure!"
- You look through wrong end of your telescope and report that "Them Russians is tiny".
- You recently defected to K-mart.