Practice opening soda cans with your mind, once perfect, do it to a whole vending machine and see how funny it is.
I regret to inform you that today has been canceled. Stop here and go to tomorrow. Sorry about that.
Use your ThighMaster at the office. Bring one for everybody.
Walk toward the Parthenon with a jackhammer and take bets on how far you get.
If you see a scorpion today, take precautionary measures: Do not taunt it, walk around it on your tip-toes and lift those knees.
Try to tie your pinkie to your thumb. You're not really trying. Try harder.
Intergalactic travel is a privilege--not a right.
Kick in a neighbor's door and go exploring. Discover unchartered rooms and big screen tvs that would look good in your living room.
Force air into your lungs by opening your mouth and jerking your head and shoulders forward.
Watch PBS all evening. Talk about it nonstop at work tomorrow.
Shave a wildebeast for fun.
Your job today is to find a trombone and unroll it. Unroll it until it is just one long brass tube. Hold it across the sidewalk and let busy commuters limbo. Brightens their day.
Early to bed and early to rise, drive through the drive-thru and get me some fries.
Throw a party for your neighbor. Invite everyone you see in the mall.
Today is the first day of the beginning of your new thing that is still kind of new and is not quite underway yet but is almost there at the beginning.
Insist on using the word "freezer burn" as often as you can today. It doesn't have to apply.
Don't turn around! Pretend you're reading. There's an element of evil behind you. There, now you're safe. Now mail me a check for 30--no, 50 dollars.
Tell your coworkers you no longer speak English, and if they want to talk to you, they must speak in the language you have chosen to speak.
Never run as fast as you can for over three hours.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
That's what they tell me
Because I'm blind
Pledge your love to your desk calendar. Sometimes it just needs to be told.