It's all fun and games until some one looses an eye, then it's just fun.

I tried to contain myself, but I escaped.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Never buy a pitbull from a one armed man.

The reason some people are alive is simply because it's against the law to kill them.

For every action, there is an equal but opposite Government program.

Never trust a proctologist with both hands on your shoulders.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?

A fool and his money are soon ... Hey! Where's my wallet?

A penny saved may be a penny earned, but it's a waste of a deposit slip and it really pisses off the tellers.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I'll always have each other.

Blessed is the person who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Me, getting smart with you? How would you know?

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger near the escape key.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm merely a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never divulge everything you know.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain might explode.

Tell me what you need, and I'll explain how you can get along without it.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Someday we'll look back on all this and while we're looking, we'll plow into a parked car.

It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by the Y1K problem.

A day without sunshine is like, night

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand ...

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.