What does the Enterprise Run on?
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
The Law Offices of Dewey, Cheetum & Howe.
What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a greedy politician? Chelsea
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
How many Country Singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
5, 1 to change it, and 4 to sing about how much they miss the old one ...
How many members of the Enterprise does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Seven. Scotty notices a lightbulb's burned out but doesn't have a replacement, so Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three security guards beam down to a planet to get some. The guards are killed immediately, and Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are captured by natives. McCoy then cures the native chief's cold, who in gratitude gives them a lightbulb and lets them go. They then beam back up to the ship, and Scotty replaces the bulb.This was the original script for Star Trek VI, but Roddenberry had second thoughts. ;)
How many government employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
549--435 representatives to pass the Illumination Act, 1 president to veto it, 100 senators and 1 presiding vice president to override the President's veto, 3 clerk to notarize the triplicate application for the lightbulb's screwing-in, 1 Department of Lightbulb Installation chairman to approve the screwing in of the lightbulb, and 8 Supreme Court justices to declare the Illumination Act unconstitutional. (The lightbulb never actually does get screwed in).
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
Why did the 1st elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the 2nd elephant fall out of the tree?
He was glued to the first.
Why did the 3rd elephant fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.
Why did the tree fall down?
He thought he was an elephant
How many elephants fit into a VW bug?
How do you know if an elephant has been in your fridge?
There is one peanut butter trail.
How do you know if two elephants have been in your fridge?
There are two peanut butter trails.
How do you know if there's been three elephants in your fridge?
There's three peanut butter trails.
How do you know if there's been four elephants in your fridge?
There's a VW Bug parked out front.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees!
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: It works, doesn't it?
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
Did you hear about the clumsy lens grinder?
He fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.
It's always difficult to bring sad news, but I thought you should know:
Today, there was a great loss in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his body in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and... well, you know the rest.